Champagne Taste

My favorite anecdote from the wedding we attended over the weekend...

After the reception, we retired to Mulligans, the bar in the Columbus (Mississippi) Country Club. The bride's mother and aunts were having a jolly old time. They'd had a few to celebrate and were now in the bar, putting condoms on a champagne bottle, and shaking the it to inflate the condom. On occasion, a champagne-filled rubber would suddenly pop off the bottle and zip around the room, spraying everyone and causing a little chaos. The ladies would laugh and laugh; they were having a blast.

Joey and I were standing at the bar with our drinks chatting when the bride's sister-in-law came over to us and started chatting. After a few sentences, we noticed that she was downing a glass of champagne.

Joe said to her: "I hope that didn't come out of the condom."

To which she replied, in all seriousness: "I don't think it did; it doesn't taste like spermicide."

On hearing that, I choked on my beer but tried my best to suppress any laughter or smile. We politely replied something like "Umm, OK."

"That stuff tastes really bitter. And, it makes my mouth really numb," she continued without any provocation from us.

Although I was momentarily stunned, my silence quickly moved from a smile to a giggle to uncontrollable laughter. I laughed until I cried.

"Did I say something funny?," she asked me.

"This whole situation is pretty damned funny," I lied. "Your mother-in-law is putting rubbers on a champagne bottle and everyone seems to be drinking it. It's crazy." I wanted to add that it was hilarious that she'd confided to two total strangers her personal knowledge of the oral effects of a condom's lubricant. Sometimes, I really want to ask people if they realized that they're talking aloud. I want to yell at them "Stop talking! Please just stop talking!"