The Pink Pig

Today was Joey's annual "guys' shopping day" at Lenox and Phipps malls. Typically, it starts with a group of about 15 guys getting together for drinks and light appetizers at one of the few bars in the mall. Then, after a good hour or so of socializing, we tend to be more amenable to shopping. So, after a couple of mojitos at Prime, we split for some shopping before meeting up again for another round of drinks and more alienating the patrons around us. (Tonight's surrounding patrons included Dominque Wilkins; I think we were equal opportunity offenders and not blinded by celebrity.)

Anywho, during our lightning round shopping, J3K decided to give me my holiday present, a human anatomy book. Part of the reason he chose it, however, was because it is enormous, heavy, and completely conspicuous. So, in kind, I decide to purchase us tickets to ride the Pink Pig at Macy's. We stand in line together for about 20 minutes waiting to ride the darned thing. Seriously, it's the two of us and a sea of 4-year-olds and their parents. I'd not felt this out of place since Parris and I bought tickets to a matinee showing of "Elf" on opening day. (That, of course, is another story.)

After an eternal wait, we finally get up to the front before the pink-clad high school workers pulled the velvet rope in front of us. Denied again! This did, however, mean that we'd get the very front on the next ride. After a few minutes, the ride concludes and the freshman opens the rope for us. We sprint to the front of the pig and shove ourselves into the first seat. I'm essentially sitting in J3K's lap holding the Pink Pig's ears to stay up. The "safety guy" comes by and tells us that, unless the seatbelt buckles, there is no way we're going to be able to ride the pig in our present state. Actually, there is no way in hell that the buckle would even remotely close. Luckily, J3K had a satchel with him that had a plastic clasp that matched the seatbelt. I clipped the belt into the satchel and fooled the safety guy. Then, we were home free.

Honestly, it was a disappointing ride. No loop-de-loops. It was vaguely haunting with a bunch of pink pigs everywhere and some overdone Southern accent narration piped in. Imagine the 'Pig in a Poke' set from the beginning of "European Vacation" and you're halfway there. Freaky, it was just freaky.

After a couple of laps, the ride was over and J3K and I quickly made our way to the Olan Mills studio for our free photo to commemorate our ride. My friends, I share with you our proud moment.

Note the enormous Human Anatomy book which weighs about 15 pounds.
If you carry it through the mall, no fewer than 50 people will stop you to inquire about it.

Happy holidays.