Do I Even Belong Here?

Royal Tenenbaum: That's just not right, damn it.  You used to be a genius.

Margot Tenenbaum: No I didn't.

Royal Tenenbaum: Well, anyway, that's what they used to say.

From Wes Anderson's "The Royal Tenenbaums"

Another tough week in the bag and I am damned sure not going to be earning honors in any of my classes.  If I can't improve my performance, the only thing I'll be earning is a bus ticket back home.  What the hell, man, I'm not even halfway through the semester and I'm feeling like I'm running on empty, on fumes.  I'm burned out and tired of not passing exams.

Shit, I'm tempted to host a coloring exam where all anyone has to do is take a single crayon and color in a giant rectangle.  That's it, just fill in a rectangle with a crayon and, hell, just stay mostly in the lines.  Do it and you pass.  Bingo.  A+.  Honors.  Ticker-tape parade.  Confetti.  Bells.  Whistles.  Bullshit.

Last week, during a four day weekend.  I took about 8 hours to myself excluding the hours I slept, of course.  On average, I've been getting about 5 and a half hours of sleep a night.  I've lived in a study room on campus, coming to my apartment only to sleep.  I knew that yesterday's exams would be a challenge.  Hell, no matter how you approach it, Neuroscience is tough stuff; it's amazing but tough.  Immunology, too.  And OMM.  And Pharmacology.  All told, though, I didn't expect another "O-fer" day.  "O-fer" as in I was zero for four on passing anything.  Here's the best part:  I was absolutely sure that I was going to rock my Pharmacology exam.  Absolutely effing positive.  When I'd answered all the questions, I clicked the proceed button, saw that I'd failed miserably, and felt my countenance morph from a smarmy, shit-eating grin to a stunned, distant look of shock.

I hate working my ass off and feeling like I'm just spinning my wheels and getting nowhere.  Still, I keep attempting to get up, dust myself off, and dive back into the fray.  That being said, it sure would be nice to have some sort of a win in the near future; I hate feeling like a big bag o' fail.