Never Look to Chocolate For Help

Ask a Dove chocolate a question and, when you unwrap it, you just might have an answer!  Granted, that answer will be dialogue from a LifeTime Original movie but it will be inspirational in some bizarro world where chocolate is a therapist.  Regardless, here is a conversation I had with candy, in the form of an advice column.

Dear Dove Chocolate,
I'm really getting my ass handed to me by my studies.  Is there anything that I can do to improve?
-- Sincerely, The Scholar

Dear Dove Chocolate,

Thanks, but I'm not sure that you understand the writing style of my texts or my lack of time for pleasure reading.  Anyway, I guess I feel like I'm just not retaining things like I used to.  I'd appreciate any suggestions.

-- The Scholar 

 

Dear Dove Chocolate,

 I don't know; I definitely feel like I'm having to scrap for every little bit of knowledge that I'm gaining these days.  I'm just feeling burned out and like my self-confidence is really shaken.  Do you think what I'm doing is worth it?

-- The Scholar

Dear Dove Chocolate,

 Really?  I am?

-- The Scholar

 

 

 

Dear Dove Chocolate,

Okay, I feel pretty now; thanks.  But really, though, I'm getting thrashed by my courses.  Any strategies or other test-taking advice for me?

-- The Scholar

 

 

Dear Dove Chocolate,

Good one, Dove Chocolate.  Hope you're being funny because, clearly, "trusting my instincts" isn't working out so hot for me.  I've done precisely that and have crashed and burned.  Spectacularly, I should add.  Seriously, I should just go full Costanza and do the exact opposite of my instincts and see how that works out.  I could probably look like a freaking genius.  What'cha think about that?

-- The Scholar

Dear Dove Chocolate,

Really?  What's with the "good enough" bullshit all of a sudden?  You know that, at this point, I'd kill for passing grades, right?  Not superlative grades, just passing grades.  Got me? I am failing. I'm dying here.

-- The Scholar

 

Dear Dove Chocolate,

Now you're just screwing with me, right?  It's so dark, I can't see shit.  I'm in a cave that's wrapped up in a blanket that's been put in a box and buried.  It is dark, dark, dark.  You read me?  You get it, chocolate wrapper?

--The Scholar

Dear Dove Chocolate,

 What are you talking about?  Who said anything about singing?  Are you screwing with me?  Have you been listening to me sing?  Should I sing my answers during my exam?  WTF?

--The Scholar

Dear Dove Chocolate,

Are you referencing Lee Ann Womack lyrics now?  I'm starting to feel like you're nothing more than random quotes jotted down by members of Ellen's studio audience and slapped inside chocolate wrappers.  Hell, fortune cookies make more sense that you and they suck.  You know what, Dove Chocolate?  Screw you; we're done.  It's only 9a.m. but I'm gonna start drinking.  Thanks for nothing, prick.

--The Scholar