An Open Letter To My Next Door Neighbor

Dear Neighbor,

Congrats on the successful Hell party you threw last night! I can't say that you were the lone person to celebrate 6-6-06 by throwing a party but you were the only one on the block! When I returned home to begin studying at around 4:00 p.m., I noticed that the party was just starting; cars were everywhere, by golly!

I'm sure that your guests enjoyed the blaring speed metal as much as I did. Hope they were wearing earplugs. I was - inside my own house! Admittedly, it was a nice change to have a constant, droning noise permeating my very soul. I previously thought that a car slowly ambling down the street with thumping base was awesome but your musical selections were awesomer! Personally, I think you've made a strong case to be hell's very own Shadoe Stevens. Can you imagine? I can hear you now: "Gonna be another hot one out there today, folks. How 'bout we turn up the heat with a little Pantera? For those of you standing waist deep in manure, finish that coffee, break's almost over!" I kid because I love.

Here's a thought, next time start the party 666 minutes into the day. That's right, guy, I'm talking about 11:06 a.m., the devil's time. Sure, you and your guests can still revel into the wee hours of the night. I'm just suggesting you kick it up a notch. That way, when people ask why the party is starting at 11:06, you can throw the devil horns and say it's 666 minutes into the day. How great would that be? Pretty sweet, right?

Please accept my apologies that I couldn't make it over. I've quit my job and have gone back to school. Right now, I'm really putting in a ton of time on this Chemistry course. Honestly, if you're wanting to revel in hell, you should take it. I know that you picked a sort of commercialized hell day and all for your party - after all, they released a remake of "The Omen" yesterday - but you really made it a special day for me. I was expecting to come home on a Tuesday afternoon and get some work done. How boring is that? Am I a nerd? Thanks to your thoughtfulness, I was able to constantly feel the pangs of hell just a little more courtesy of your bitchin' party.

Keep making hell on earth,

The Scholar